Thursday, February 21, 2008

A gaggle of girls

The last couple of weeks have been incredibly rough to say the least. The work's become ridiculous and the juggling of all the balls has gotten to such a point that I want to say f&*k it all and just let all the balls hit the ground and I turn my back and walk away. The only time that Packrat and I seemed to have for one another is when we go out, after dinner to get work done. And because it's the first time in the day where I'm sitting down and my brain is given a chance to slow down, I inadvertently doze off. This means being unproductive and angsting about my being unproductive. One evening, when I dozed off on my scripts, Packrat, claiming it was an instinct thing, reached out and snapped his fingers in front of dozing me. This resulted in my jumping awake and giving him a stare that could melt steel, followed by a tirade about how tired I was and how annoyed I was at him for snapping his fingers at me as if I were one of his recalcitrant students.

Anyway, there's been general crankiness, unhappiness and being on constantly on the verge of tears. The only thing that's kept me from bursting into tears is how a bloody waste of time it would be and how many scripts I could have graded or how many minutes of sleep I could have stolen if I didn't break down into a puddle of tears. It's an awful yardstick to use but I can't help it!

In the midst of all this, my old friend from school flies back to Singapore. She's now happily ensconced in New South Wales and calls herself a Sydneysider. We have more in common now that we ever did because our children are 6 weeks apart. And even before that, having gone through our formative years together, we have never been short of things to say to one another. Like my brother asked very innocently "So what did you all gossip about?" and realised almost immediately that it was a question that required zero answer. He knew it too because he corrected himself and commented "what am I talking about. You're women, of course there's stuff to gossip about!"

So, because she's back for only 2 weeks. I declared a short moratorium on the grading. The papers will always be there but my friend was only in town for a fortnight. We've met up for dinner, with yet another friend who has been with us all through the years and we've sat and chatted and laughed till our sides hurt. I met her again yesterday and will do so another time before she flies off. The both times that I was with them, I returned home realising that there was a lightness to my step and to my heart and I was actually happy.

And that was the strange thing, it felt like a strange sensation. Have I really been that unhappy that happiness feels like a strange fit? Or have I just been drifting along, not thinking, not feeling just struggling to keep my head above water? I said to someone recently, in a moment of unabashed truthfulness, that I was tired of keeping trying to do everything and keep at everything and for the first time in my life, I was ready to say something's gotta give. And that's a big admission for me, Little Ms Control Freak and Little Ms Overachiever. We're in the midst of trying to figure out what can give because I seem to still qualify everything I would like to give up with a "but I can't because..."

For now, I'm just going to enjoy the sojourns out with the girls and giggle, laugh, have tea and shop. Forgetting that I am married with two kids, have all the work I have sitting at my desk, the desperate need to either get more than four hours of sleep a night or a night of uninterrupted and constantly feel a mild sense of panic and anxiety wrapping round my throat when I let myself think about it.

I think that's as good a stop gap measure as any till I find the time to regroup and pick up some of the marbles that have been lost and are rolling around in some dark corner of the room.

Ondine tossed this thought in at 22:37

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