Wind In My Head: Choices
Wind In My Head
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Choices
I couldn't resist the draw today. Afterall, over the weekend, we had rekindled the love affair from years ago. So, when I found myself with a little bit of time on my hands today, the thought of another illicit rendezvous came to mind.It had been such an exciting time. I'd been all swept up in it, savouring the warm glow of attention and adoration. The attraction had been mutual. I could feel the beckoning and the magnetic draw was far too strong for me to resist. I knew I shouldn't. I couldn't afford to go down this road. It would be too costly and there was too much at stake. But at the same time, the very thought of it made my heart swell and my head light. It made me want to giggle and sing.
Oh, it was such guilty pleasure. Surely it was wrong to feel this way. What if I get found out? What if he found traces and clues of my little secret? Would he be upset with me? Would there be roaring wrath and hurtful words? Would I not be allowed to even look in that direction ever again?
But the moment I closed my eyes, I could feel the forbidden closeness and my nostrils flared slightly when it picked up the thick woody musky scent. I could live with this surrounding me forever. I knew I would have to pay dearly for it, but at that moment, it all felt worth it.
Since that moment when I felt myself pulled in, I'd been walking around in a daze. I'd been asking myself how much more I could get away with. Whether I could try and go a little bit further without digging myself further into the grave. Most times, I tell myself no, that I really cannot afford to go on like this. It would hurt too much if I did. But sometimes, just in the moments of weakness, I can't help myself. I want it, I want to cross the line. I don't care if I wind up messing up the life I have now, just for another moment...
So, today, I decided to screw it and throw all caution to the wind. I was tired of holding back. I knew what I wanted. I took a deep breath before I stepped over the threshold, uncertain of what I was getting myself into and not wanting to care about what I'd left behind. From a distance, I could feel the beckoning, drawing me closer. The next thing I knew, I was right there, where I had been before, all swept up, all weak at the knees, ready to forsake everything. Reaching out, I felt the smooth warmth against my cheek. So soft, yet so strong.
I waited to be swept off my feet, I waited to feel the thrill that would follow the sensual touch. I waited to be asked the question I was willing to say "yes" to. But it never came. And when I opened my eyes, I realised I didn't want it to. I didn't want this anymore.
It wasn't worth it. Not for a few fleeting moments of snatched happiness here and there. All the sneaking around and hiding, no it couldn't be worth it. No matter how powerful the magnetism was, I couldn't turn my back on all I had worked for. It was too much. I loved what I had now and it was enough. Going after this would have been too much and it would have been too wrong. I didn't want to lose all that I had.. And it wasn't as if I wasn't going to fall in love again. I would and when I did, all this would seem small and inconsequential and I would kick myself for splurging and indulging on the flavour of the month.
So, I stepped back, ignored my aching heart and fearing that one day I would regret ever doing this, said a silent goodbye, turned around and walked out, never daring to look back, for fear that I might change my mind...
...turn around and take into my arms the one that got away.
Ondine tossed this thought in at 17:26
1 thoughts...
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At 9:27 pm
Tym said... A very Little Miss Drinkalot-esque post.