Wind In My Head: 2005
Wind In My Head
Sunday, January 01, 2006
2005
I guess it would be remiss if I didn't take stock of the year that has just passed. I toyed about doing this yesterday but could not find the words. I'm not certain how much better it would be, doing it today, but I shall try, anyway.2005.
There was only one thing that I set out to do in 2005 and at the close of the year, yesterday, it hit me with all certainty, that it was something that I had failed to achieve. Which doesn't sound like that much. People set out to do things at the beginning of the year and end up not doing it all the time. But not me.
Everyone that has known me has said that I possess the ability to do something as long as I put my mind to it. My mother oft quotes the example of my ballet. Who else would take up ballet at 19 and then at 22 decide to take major exams that little children take 10 to 12 years to prepare for? But this tenacious-ness and doggedness backfired on me in 2005.
I had taken upon myself a project that I thought, ignorantly, that I had all control over. And in my mind, I thought that if I worked hard enough at it, and drove myself at it, I would be able to achieve it, as with everything else that I had put my mind to. But it was not to be. Over and over again, I was reminded that no matter how much I tried, the end result really wasn't in my hands. And it was something I had no control over.
So, yesterday, the day to take stock, it slapped me hard in the face that no matter what I did, with regards to this project, it really wasn't up to me whether I was going to succeed. No matter how upset I got everytime I failed, no matter how angry I got and how much I wanted to smash plates against walls, it was really not much point. I was just making it more difficult for myself to succeed.
And last night, I was left with 2 ways of heralding in the new year. My favoured choice was to get extremely sloshed for all the wrong reasons. The logical one however, was to steer clear away from all sorts of alcoholic beverages because as a double punishment for holding on so tight and being so high strung, I had a mother of all headaches that hasn't even gone away as I blog this. Packrat decided on the latter and we started the New Year on a somewhat sombre mood, realising the frailty of our existence and how in the larger scheme of things, what we want to do, really doesn't count for all that much.
Ondine tossed this thought in at 12:26
1 thoughts...
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At 1:44 pm
seriously! said... If what you want is what I think it is, I've failed too and quite miserably. May 2006 be a better year. : )