Friday, March 14, 2008

Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200

" I hate my life" so she says with great vehemence.

I really do.

It's Friday of the one week vacation which has turned out into absolutely NOT a vacation at all. Every single day has been spent grading assignments. My typical day has looked something like that.

7 am- wake up with the kids, play with them for a bit and give them their breakfast.
8am- I take a shower, get Packrat up and we prepare to leave.
9am- 12pm- Holed up at some MacDonald's or other, grading papers.
12-2 pm- Come home for lunch, see the kids if we're lucky.
3-6 pm- out again grading papers.
6-8pm- Come home, get the kids to bed and have dinner. Dozing a little while Evan nurses himself to sleep.
9-11pm- Out again, possibly at Macs AGAIN, grading.
11-1am- Come home, shower, do the necessary before hitting the sack, hoping that I get 4 hours of sleep before the babies descend upon me.

So there, that's a typical day for me. And I realised with a tremendous amount of guilt that through the entire week, we haven't spent any type of special time with the kids. We're always rushing in or out, giving them kisses as we pass them by and promising some time later that we will come home and play with them. Which hasn't happened and I'm sad to say is not going to happen before term reopens on Monday.

The amount of guilt mixed with anger that I feel is tremendous. I will kick anyone who tells me that I have done a good and noble thing, dedicating my vacation to my work and I shall be commended for it. I will also kick anyone who reproaches me for not spending quality time with my children because I am already full of self-loathing and self- reproach for failing to prioritise my family over my work. And this is where the anger comes in for it has been insinuated that I haven't been doing a good job with the balance and the juggling and this comment isn't talking about how much time I'm not spending with my kids.

I feel like I've failed. My children have hardly seen their parents the whole week and I have been told that I should have planned the week better to factor time in for them. My response was that I tried, but failed miserably. And I don't know how to try harder. I don't know where to find the time to spend with them while completing all the things I need to complete. It's easy to say, ignore all else and just block out some time for the kids. But what about that fear that creeps into your throat and threatens to strangle you because there's so much else that requires your time and attention and even if you don't want to do it, you have to because that's what adults do?

I wish I was easy going enough to let it slide, to chill and say fuck all to work because I've done what is humanly possible. But I can't. The 16 PF PErsonal Career Development Profile I did recently highlights that the strongest trait that stands out has to do with Apprehension, Worry and High Anxiety so I worry, I stress, I angst and I'm wound as tight as a taut rubber band and the ability to chill and to forget about things around me is not in my vocabulary.

So, I just have to struggle on, get what I need to do done and try to be there as much as I can for my children and my husband who, bless him, has been extremely good at holding my hand and rubbing my back when it gets too much for me.

It leads me to question if I've taken on too much and why is it that everyone else can cope but I can't seem to and since it is expected of me to be able to cope, why can't I and why am I incurring the wrath of others by this seemingly obvious deficiency on my part?

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Ondine tossed this thought in at 18:32

2 thoughts...

2 thoughts...

At 7:45 am Blogger Wes & Jo said...

maybe everybody thinks everybody else can cope and everybody's putting up a everybody-else-can-cope-so-i-better-cope face. =( wes

At 10:46 pm Blogger pilgrimparent said...

Hey, found your blog via Mr Brown. Hang in there. I'm a working mom too, and some days the tensions are incredible. It came to a point where I had to thrash out a new path for myself. Very painful but I suppose what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?


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