Monday, February 27, 2006

Brown Paper Bags

Dear 18 year olds who are currently shitting in your pants,

It's a day away from the day of reckoning and from what I gather, there is much flurry. No words of encouragement here, your fates were sealed more than 2 months ago. Just some suggestions that some of your teachers and people who have gone through this ordeal have to help you through to Wednesday.

1. Copious amounts of ice-cream, cookies, cakes, pizza, fried chicken and long phone/MSN freakouts...
2. Watch movies at Orchard Cineleisure from sundown tomorrow till mid-morning Wednesday, giving you enough time to go home, shower and look presentable at the gallows.
3. Get yourself inebriated although hangovers and results might not work well together.
4. Gather at a friend's house and freak out together through the night. Make sure the parents are cool with it though.
5. Go shopping, shopping and more shopping and spend the rest of the time mourning about how broke you are, thereby temporarily alleviating the fear and anxiety brought about by the impending results.
6. Go to the beach, stand on the breakwater and scream on top of your lungs, loud enough for Indonesia or the ships to hear you- guaranteeing the police coming round and your question of where to spend the rest of the evening will be more or less solved.
7. For the boys serving the nation (no, we did not forget you), kiwi and camo your bunkmates' faces and put toothpaste in their shoes while they're asleep. Beware the Sergeant, extras are worse than the fate that awaits you on the mainland.
8. Go our for prata and a Milo Dinosaur/Godzilla in the middle of the night. For those who have no idea what those are, it's time you tried it out.
9. For those who cannot afford 2., watch all the bad Tuesday night local television and cable offerings.
10. For the more religiously inclined, pray for divine intervention. (That's what I did, it came, but not in the way I expected it to. I did not get straight As, or Bs for that matter).

To balance this off, some suggestions of what not to do.
1. Go ape shit and start hurling things out the window- the police do not take kindly to killer litter regardless of what is to happen the next day.
2. Cut yourself, pain never solves anything plus you get ugly scars to remind you of the stupidity ten years from now.
3. Shoplift to alleviate stress- that's why we are told to keep all your records until you actually pick up your results.
4. Redo the exam paper only to discover you answered whole sections wrong.
5. Cut/Rebond/Colour your hair. Stress does strange things to your hair as is.
6. Chalk up millions of minutes on your mobile phone. You'll regret it when the bill comes a month later.
7. Borrow someone's car and take it out for a spin, especially if you don't have a license yet.
8. Take many many muscle relaxants/sleeping pills/prozac just to sleep the night before. Face it, sleep's going to be tough to come by.
9a. Break up with your significant other. It's just the stress talking.
9b. Have sex for the very first time. Once again, the stress talking. Plus you really don't want to have to deal with that fallout and the results.
10. Kill yourself- no results are ever worth that.

So, with that, all the best. Life is a box of chocolates, eat 'em.

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Ondine tossed this thought in at 21:41

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