Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Three blind mice

There is something rotting in the state of Denmark...

Well, not actually but it sure is happening in my office. It has been discovered that we have a rat. Not the political backstabbing type that goes and tells your boss that you're sleeping or IMing and Facebooking instead of working but the real kind that was responsible for more deaths than World War One itself, is ugly, giant salmon mutant sized and has a sonic squeal pitch that makes me want to drag fingernails over chalk board so that I can cringe over something else.

And this rat, apparently, is purported to be as intelligent as the students that populate the school. It has evaded all attempts to capture it and it eats our food. That's not surprisingly until it is discovered that the rat has opposable thumbs and can unscrew an airtight container and eaten through half a family size block of chocolate. So, loaded up on caffeine, the rat can go on and on and on.

Then this buzzing on chocolate, rat, we discover, is myopic because the 2nd thing he sinks his teeth into a bottle of contact lens solution and drains the bottle. All the better to see the chocolates with.

To add more colour to the rat, we also found that not only did it topple sealed jars to steal chocs, nibble through plastic bottles, it bit through the plastic wrapping of mooncakes. Obviously it was a rat brought up on Chinese legends and observed the lunar calendar. And somewhat unsurprising considering the rat's geographical location.

It's been difficult trying to track it down. No one's seen it. It's elusive except for the occasional rat dropping and incriminating evidence of half eaten kilo sized chocolate blocks it leaves behind. My suspicion is that even that is done on purpose, to show us that he can get away with almost bloody murder and no one knows whether or not he's got whiskers, is grey or for all we knew multi coloured and is a rat dressed in cat's clothing.

But, what do we know? It likes chocs, is myopic, is Asian in descent and we suspect it came off the Ark because he was first spotted at Noah's desk.

Of course, there are clueless enough people around to suggest that someone takes it home and rear it as a pet. I felt pretty much like saying to this person, "A rat is NOT a hamster. A rat is NOT a plaything!" But I didn't just in case the rat heard me and took it out on my desk tonight.

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Ondine tossed this thought in at 16:27

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" Far in the stillness, a cat languishes loudly"