Wind In My Head: Harbinger of Death
Wind In My Head
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Harbinger of Death
Someone passed away yesterday, very suddenly. He went to sleep and just never woke up. No one knew him very well and we found him a little eccentric. I don't think I said more than 10 words to him in the last 2 weeks, so I cannot in anyway describe myself as being close to him. But yet, I was stunned by his death. And by common human decency, I felt bad. I felt bad for his family as well even though I knew 3 things about his family. He has a cat. He does not live with his dad. And his dad does not own a white shirt.Others I knew were stunned by his death too. And they felt bad too. One felt bad for saying that he weirded her out. And I thought about that. It's a common response to feel that something we did contributed to the person's death, even though it may all have been a random confluence of events. It's us, trying to make sense and logicize what had happened.
I remember being four and really thinking that I had killed someone. We had a lady who came in to do our laundry and I was a four year old brat that must have got in her way. So, she told me off, rightly so. But I was all huffy about it and filled with a sense of self-importance, told her that I didn't want her to come back the next day and I didn't want her to come back ever.
And the next morning, I overheard my parents talking about how she had died the night before. My four year old heart filled with so much heavy guilt and responsibility. Even though someone said it had been an asthma attack, I held myself personally responsible for having killed the washer-lady.
I never did tell my parents till recently. And my mom was astounded that I had thought that and had never told anyone. Of course, it wasn't something that dogged my every step since I was four, but I still recall now, how I felt then. So, I know, that even when a death may be accidental and have nothing to do with us whatsoever, we sometimes feel responsible. Possibly because in the person's death, we realise how we haven't been good people and our shortcomings are yelling out to be noticed.
So, what is commonly said about being nice to people, because you never know rings true. You never know when death will come a knocking. And that, is the truly scary thought.
Ondine tossed this thought in at 08:18
1 thoughts...
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At 9:22 pm
Miss Construed... said... Hi; got sent your way from the girl who writes My Thotz; don't know if you know her but she reads your blog anyway.
I can definitely relate; when I was 17 I was in a group of friends and there was this one guy Zoot who had flaming red hair and a hare-lip. It's not that we were ever nasty but we did joke behind his back a fair bit. We all felt terrible when he jumped off a six storey building a few days after a party we had all been too; especially my friend who he had a thing for and she had only just knocked him back.
I'll read more of your blog now- I've commented after only reading it for five minutes. A lurker I am not.
Cheers.