Wind In My Head: Purgatory
Wind In My Head
Friday, October 05, 2007
Purgatory
Purgatory is defined as a temporary state of punishment, suffering, expiation, or the like.Purgatory is also supposed to be a place between heaven and hell, where things are just in a state of nothingness, which somewhat describes where I am in my life where you scream but no one hears, you cry but no one feels, where you live in a separate but same plane. Where you are not your own free person and there are markers, both visible and invisible that keep you confined and trapped in a space. Where air is running out and you know this because there is constantly a vise like grip on your throat which makes you want to wheeze and thrash and struggle. Only that when you do, it is of no use and no one will notice it. So you flail and then you give up and just stare with eyes that see nothing. You will yourself not to feel because feelings give rise to that lump in the throat and in the pit of the stomach and because the next thing you know, you're gulping for air trying not to sob.
It is a state of nothingness. Of no permanence. Of a lack of control. Of no joy. Of just trying to get through the day into the next. Where the days span endlessly into one another. Of not knowing what day of the week it is or what date it is, of what the day will entail and what the next day will bring.
The only glimmer of hope is the word temporary. That it is only a temporary state of affairs. That one day, the rain will stop, the dove will fly by with an olive branch, the sun will come out from behind the storm clouds and there will be a rainbow, with a pot of gold at the end of it. And all will be right in the world again.
Ondine tossed this thought in at 20:32
1 thoughts...
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At 2:48 pm
aviatrix said... thanks teacher, today I learn a new word that described what i was going through while languishing in a new dead end job AND nursing the wounds from a failed 8 yr relationship
and yes, purgatories are temporary because in less than 1 year I found a better paying job and meeting new chaps who appreciate me being me =)