Thursday, September 27, 2007

Our Home

When I got old enough to start dreaming about having a house of my own, the song by Crosby Stills Nash and Young always seemed like the perfect house and by extension of that, the perfect life that I wanted.

I'll light the fire, while you place the flowers
In the vase that you bought today.
Staring at the fire for hours and hours,
While I listen to you play your love songs
All night long for me, only for me.

Our house, is a very, very, very fine house.
With two cats in the yard,
Life used to be so hard,
Now everything is easy 'cause of you.

Come to me now, and rest your head for just five minutes,
Everything is done.
Such a cozy room, the windows are illuminated
By the evening sunshine through them,
Fiery gems for you, only for you.

Our house, is a very, very, very fine house.
With two cats in the yard,
Life used to be so hard,
Now everything is easy 'cause of you.

Although it's a little bit 1950's housewife-ish, it painted for me a house that was warm, cozy and full of love. Just what a 19 year old dreamed life would be like when she grew up and found her perfect man.

It's 12 years on and I have found grown up, found the perfect man and until now, lived in a house that seemed perfect up till about 3 months ago. When we bought our flat, we knew that it was going to be on the small side, seeing that 2 bedrooms were converted into our bedroom suite. We didn't mind it all that much because we thought that the house was temporary and at most, we'd have one kid in it. Needless to say, like all good plans, they get foiled. We never dreamed that we would have twins and the paraphenalia that comes with having twins including another person living in the house with us. As a result, it's been very tight quarters, so much so that on occasion, I've felt that my space has been intruded upon. You come to this conclusion very quickly when you're still suffering from post-natal blues and realise that your house is so small and filled with people you don't necessarily want in your face all the time that you have to go down to the playground to have a good sob, much to the chagrin of all the neighbours.

The logical conclusion therefore is that we need a bigger house. As two very poor government servants, we cannot afford to just purchase another crib just because we've outgrown our flat. So, come Saturday, we move in with my in-laws, which fills me with a great amount of hesitation. To top of all off, everytime I think about moving out from this house, my heart just shatters that tiny bit more.

I know it's something that needs to be done. I know I have to leave the house I love because of the children that I love. But that doesn't stop me from sitting here, slightly hyperventilating at the prospect of such a change. There have been tears and there will be more to come because I am a sentimental person and this house has held our memories and secrets well. It is this house that we came home to immediately after our honeymoon. It is here where we learnt how to be husband and wife, where we fought and cried, where with frustration I banged dents into the fridge, where we lit candles, cuddled and curled up on the couch. More importantly, it was where we became a family, where we struggled with the years of trying to get pregnant, where we celebrated with great glee finally the news of the pregnancy and where we brought the twins home to three months ago.

So, it's difficult. And difficult on so many levels. When we talk to couples ready to be married, we teach them about leaving and cleaving, 2 very important lessons in the Biblical perspective of marriage. It just feels like moving into a home with any one set of parents is taking a step backward. Add on to that, the freedom that once was had and now, a somewhat precious commodity. When we moved home from Melbourne, we had to face the harsh reality of living under the same roof as our parents after having had a free reign. We had to fight curfews and parental expectations. It was one of the reasons why we decided to get married so soon after we moved back to Singapore. We couldn't get used to living under a watchful eye after so long. And now, after 6 years, it feels much worse. We're older, we have our own lifestyles, lifestyles that would clash with the way things have been done for the longest time in the household and it fills me with trepidation.

All this makes me hesitate. All this creates a sinking feeling in the pit of my belly. It makes me nauseous and in the most unreasonable and illogical of moments, makes me want to stop eating and stop breathing and just hide to make it all go away. It makes me feel homeless because our house will be rented out and I am living under someone else's roof. I've been told to occupy myself with the necessary practical aspects of moving. But my mind keeps drifting back to how I am going to pack the memories up and how I'm going to pack up how I've lived my life for the last 4.5 years. That's when I turn slightly catatonic and stare blindly at the things I have to do. All I want to do is cry and mourn for the loss of my home and the life I've built up here.

Packrat's asked me to look forward to the new chapter of our life. It's hard to do that when all the memories of what we're leaving behind swim in front of me blurring my vision. I take comfort in holding my children and knowing that I'm doing this for them and knowing that it is the right decision for them. But the non-mommy part of me is still finding it hard to see the silver lining, no matter how hard I squint.

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Ondine tossed this thought in at 12:05

2 thoughts...

2 thoughts...

At 1:08 am Blogger Sheri said...

I nearly had to go thru wat u're going thru right now...
Totally understand.

At 7:52 am Blogger Lysithea said...

I totally agree with you about having your own home and living with parents. Hope things turn out well for you!



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