Wind In My Head: Why I don't want to run.
Wind In My Head
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Why I don't want to run.
I'm done for the day but I'm still in school. Not because of work (of course there's work. There's always work. Work is always there) but because I promised a colleague I'd go run with him later. He's not fat. It's just that the college road run rears its ugly head around this time of year. Making all the usually sedentary teachers buy new running shoes and try to get themselves into some state of fitness.It's my first year doing this. I've managed to stay out of the country the past few years. I don't really want to do it. It's really too much pressure. People have been coming up to me and asking if I was going to win the thing. They know I run. And they think that because I run on a regular basis, I should have no problems with this.
Theoretically, I shouldn't. I cover twice the distance on a regular run. Problem is I don't like the pressure. It reminds me of days gone by where everytime I put on a pair of running shoes, the time and position mattered. And the position expected was the one that glittered gold.
So now, I run recreationally. I run because it allows me to clear my head and because it allows the feeling of sluggishness to dissipate. A student pointed out to me a while back that running a lot didn't necessarily translate into it being a passion. And no, I don't think I'm passionate about running. I don't think of better ways to run or to improve the way I run. I'm quite happy running the same route, or a different route. I'm easy about what I run in. Packrat and Tym need their music to run. Plus the dri-fit tops and what not. Me? I'll run in anything sleeveless and music is optional. But even then, it's not a passion.
I stopped running for many many years because I didn't want to anymore. Call it running fatigue. A true passion I feel, doesn't experience fatigue. So that's where I am, on this topic of running. I don't want it to have to be about winning, to be about being the best.
The problem is, there is a part of me that wants to win, and wants to be the best and ironically, it was shaped by all this running. The rest of me, shuns this part of me because it's the part of me that used to make me throw up before competitions, that made me cry when I didn't win, or when I hit the hurdle, tripped and fell, when I didn't clock a respectable time. It's that part of me that made me run with torn muscles, twisted ankles, chicken pox and in all sorts of weather. So, most of me, doesn't like me.
And now, there is a battle of wills going on. The competitive side is struggling to show its stuff, to show off, to break away from the pack and win the run by minutes. The other side of me just wishes that there was a reason I could come up with to not run and say, maybe walk the entire thing.
Oh well, I'm leaving it to divine intervention.
Ondine tossed this thought in at 15:07
2 thoughts...
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At 10:48 pm
Unknown said... heh.. reminded me of when Forrest Gump ran and ran and ran and suddenly decided he had enough of running..
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At 11:43 pm
seriously! said...
I hate running. I know it's good exercise and I feel really good after a run. But it also brings back all those memories when we had to run in all sorts of x-country meets. I used to cry on the bus 157 as it approaches MacRitchie. I think we overdid the running then. Esp when the winning was so damn impt.