Saturday, April 10, 2004

Visiting the Dead

I'm not being flippant. That's what we did today. It was the first time that my family's done it for my grandmother. So, my mom and two aunts were there, as were some of my cousins.

It's still weird. I always thought that I was weirded out by this visiting the tablet thing because it was Dan's late grandparents and all, it was weird today too when it was my own grandmother. I have a thing against funerals, wakes, and all things dead. I mourn, I grieve and I remember. It's a personal thing. I always thought the whole going to the cemetery and talking to the grave stone thing was very television- lately, Smallville. But I saw my aunt do it just now, to my uncle's tablet and my defence mechanism was struggling to kick in and allow me to roll my eyes.

I don't mean to be disrespectful. It's just something I never did when I was young. I understand why we should do it, so I go, but to feel totally comfortable about it? Don't think it'll happen soon.

Perhaps it's my own way of avoiding my greatest fear- which is death. Not my own. I don't care if I died, but of the people round me. I guess that's why my greatest nightmares are of Daniel dying. He keeps accusing me of killing him, but people say your greatest fears and insecurities show up in your dreams, so there you go.

It was nice though, that my grandmother's niche was in Block 2 and at 220. It's easy to remember. She lived for the longest time at 22 Wilkinson Road and all of us lived there at one point of our lives or another. Although the years before she died were hard on everyone, she had dementia and would occasionally berate my mother of not being ready for school and she called me "Clarissa"- Clarissa's my cousin, I kinda miss her.

She was a cool lady. We always had good food and ice cream in the house. She would eat durian for all meals and drive my mother insane because she would fling her medication out my window, causing my silly dogs to go after them and be loopy after that. But she was a really kind lady. My mother told me about how she pawned her jewellery so that she could get my mom a cake for her 16th birthday. And when she found out that my then, now ex boyfriend was going away to study, she asked me why wasn't I going along. When I told her my parents didn't like the idea, she scoffed at it and implied they were hypocritical and quipped " but I let your mother join your father and they were pen pals!" There you go, a hip grandmother.

I wish I learnt more from her though.

- I would have liked to have learnt more Malay

- I would have liked to have learnt how to cook like a true Nonya

- I would have liked to have heard about her stories of the war years.

Unfortunately, I was far too preoccupied being a know it all teenager and young adult and now I've missed the boat.

Ondine tossed this thought in at 18:27

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