Thursday, April 08, 2004

Rain Drops Falling on My Head

Darn, I wanted to use It Can't Rain All the Time as the title of this blog but I realised that YM had used it a few days back when it first started raining cats and dogs.

And surprise, surprise, it's raining again and I'm sitting here hoping that my car doesn't flood again and mourning the fact that I can't go running at the beach and get a tan. Well, I'm supposed to be mourning, but secretly, or not so secretly, I'm quite happy. It's always hard to motivate myself to run and the rain is the biggest downer for me and my most willing alibi.

My colleague, R, is very amused by me at this moment. Kind soul that he was, he offered to pick us up from the bus stop and drive us down 200 m back to school. Unfortunately, the short dash of half a metre from the bus stop into the car got my back soaked and I was screaming like a banshee at having my white shirt violently assaulted by huge raindrops. He called me insane and many other words that I shall not repeat, but well, I thought it was funny.

I'm staying in a very quiet staff room to mark. The rain seems to have quietened everything down and is holding me hostage. I can't get to my car without getting more soaked, so I shall stay put. Corridors round the school are filling up as we have an archaic drainage system that cannot deal with more than an hour of rain so it's near impossible to go anywhere without getting your feet wet.

The rain and YM's post title- It Can't Rain All the Time- brings back memories of the Crow. A movie that appealed to my teenage angst. The song was the end track on the soundtrack and I always thought it was kind of sad. It's about mourning and how no matter how painful it seems now, it can't go on like that forever.

It won't rain all the time
The sky won't fall forever
And though the night seems long
Your tears won't fall forever.

Jane Sibbery

It seems apt now, because my friend, K seems to be having a hard time. She's finally found someone she loves and loves her back and he's leaving. Not because he wants to, but because the only thing keeping him in the 2nd World Asian country that they're in is her and he isn't doing anything at all. He wants to go back to the US to do his masters, whereas K is stuck there for another 2 years at the very least. So they've had to call it off.

It's sad when it has to come to that. It's not true that true love can conquer everything. True love cannot conquer long distance for some people and it's the case for them. She's been hurt by long distance relationships before and I think she'd rather grieve now on her own terms than later on his. But it doesn't make it any easier. Neither does being in a foreign land.

How unfortunate is it that sometimes, your falling in love with someone and having it work out, is out of the hands of the two people invovled? She can't quit because of him. He can't keep on renewing his visa just so that he's there when she gets home at night. So, sometimes, working hard at it isn't enough to keep it going. You need timing and luck on your side as well.

Dan always says that our entire relationship could have been a Sliding Door thing. If he had turned up 5 minutes later or if the traffic light had turned green 1 minute earlier, we would never have met and we would have entirely different lives right now. But yes, the element of chance, luck, kismet plays an undeniably large part when it comes to relationships.

Same with K's predicament. If they had met, just as she was finishing her tour, or if he had a longer contract, things may have worked out differently. It may be for the best, that this wasn't who she was meant to end up with, but I hate telling her that. It's such an unfeeling thing to say to someone who is hurt and grieving. Especially someone who knows that the reason they're not together is more practical and logistical than matters of the heart. I don't know what to tell her. That it will get better after a while? Or that she'll be ok? Or to ask her not to be so lonely and depressed? I can't.

When I'm lonely,
I lie awake at night
And I wish you were here
I miss you
Can you tell me
Is there something more to believe in?
Or is this all there is?

From her tone and her emails, I can imagine this must be close to how she is feeling and from what I remember about ending relationships, the worst time is at night, just before bed. I can't bear to stand there and watch her suffer as well. I mean, how many times can a person take this sort of heartbreak before it becomes irreparable? Some say that the human spirit is indomitable, but these things do take their toll and it gets harder as you get older.

I can take comfort, for her sake that the sky won't fall forever but how do you tell a person who is in the midst of it that it'll go away. If you're standing in the rain, soaked, how do you ever imagine being dry and warm again?

Life shouldn't be so complicated and painful. It really shouldn't.

Ondine tossed this thought in at 15:43

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