Thursday, January 13, 2005

Control Freak

I've come to realise over the last couple of days that there really isn't a point of planning things. I've always liked knowing where I was headed and when I was going to get there. Dan's a little different. He adopts a more come what may attitude and we'll deal with it as it comes. Me, I can't leave anything up to chance. I've tried to keep my life in control as much as I possibly could.

But then, it's hit me that it takes very little to side track what one may consider the best laid plans. And there's no telling when or how it will go back on track again. Some may argue that perhaps all this is in line with what the higher power has in store even if it doesn't coincide with what I had in store.

It frustrates me to be so helpless and on some level it angers me greatly as well. I've done nothing wrong, in fact, I've done all I can correct, but yet it doesn't make a damn difference to this eventual outcome. All I can do now is wait and see if the situation rights itself and waiting really isn't one of my strong suits. I like here, I like now.

Dan thinks that perhaps this will be a lesson of patience for me. Perhaps, it will be. But that lesson I guess will come later. Right now, I don't want to bother anymore. Regardless of whether I have any control over this situation, I'm not supposed to let the effort lag and I can't bring myself to try anymore. Part of me questions the point of it all. Why bother? Why try? What's the use?

All I want to do is throw my hands up in frustration and helplessness and yell at the sky.

Ondine tossed this thought in at 16:28

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" Far in the stillness, a cat languishes loudly"